We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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