No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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