I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
