He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
