Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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