we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
