You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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