your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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