This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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