Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
