Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
