Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
