so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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