every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize