My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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