Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
foreskin is a definite game changer
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
