by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
