last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
