hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
