I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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