I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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