wanna go halves on a baby?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
