You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
