you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
