I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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