I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
