my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
