if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
