I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and she was petting her beer can
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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