It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
