My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
