I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
