If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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