I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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