My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
