when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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