the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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