When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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