Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(708): View more from Illinois

Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

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(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"

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