The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
