dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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