apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
