we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
