one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
