I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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