I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
