Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
