Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
