he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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