Swine flu is the new snow day.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
