It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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