The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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