96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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