I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
