ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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