i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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