i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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