Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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