If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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