I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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