I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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