WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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