Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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